I often tell people that I keep an even keel because that’s who I am. And it’s true, I don’t take things that hard. Except that I take things really hard. I’m just good at regulating it.
I mentioned this in a post about the Hulk a few weeks ago, but I regulate my anger fairly well as a motivator. Sometimes, though, I just get too mad. And it’s over.
Today I finally got there, for the first time in a long time. I got to “legitimately pissed off.” It was, ironically, at some people that it should have really helped to teach a lesson to, but I think they disregarded it. Which, of course, made it worse.
There’s this thing that happens with me when I get mad. It’s something that Jeff Davis observed about Dan Harmon months ago on Harmontown. When I get mad, the speed at which my brain moves– a real mixed bag, to be honest– makes it seem like I’ve planned my attacks because when I’m brutally honest, the painful truth comes out.
I made a simple statement today that was just dripping with rage. “Look, do whatever you want. But if you want to quit blaming everyone else and own up to your mistakes, I will help you do better.” Then, when pushed, I added “look, I spent time saving you from the mistakes you made. If you want me to quit doing that, I will. I could be using that time to do things that would be appreciated.”
I am not proud that I get this way. I… can be really incisive and hit a person where it hurts.
But I can also get quite offended and hurt myself. I gave a directive today (something an advisor and director has to do in order to be a good leader). I was told that the person intermediating– someone with no standing in the discussion– “didn’t think” I could give such a directive.
That blatant showing of disrespect was followed with a “I don’t mean this disrespectfully.”
Too late.
It’s good to know these things about ourselves, but I rage cooked dinner tonight. I’m rage blogging. I’m not super pleased.
This is our world now. People don’t want to take responsibility. And it infuriates me.
I will be the first to admit when I mess up. Like today– I shouldn’t have let myself get mad. I thought that seeing me seething would help. It didn’t.
But I own that.
And I’ll do better.
So that makes one of us.
Care to join me?