Day 99: 99 Problems (a list throwback)

phillArmchair phillosophy, memoir, satired

The last time I maintained a regular blog was for a WRA 150 class I taught at Michigan State which I themed around the ideas of lists and tagging. I used High Fidelity, and I regularly wrote top 5 lists. Since this blog project will only have one last double digit day (wow– I’m going to make it to 100 days), and I will probably never do another every-single-day blog, I am going to enjoy a long, long list. Here, in honor of the humble Jay-Z, I offer 99 problems I face in this world.

  1. People who don’t use their turn signals
  2. “Indian” mascots
  3. The pain in my gut caused by eating at Gulzar’s, though the food is tasty.
  4. Bright lights in my face
  5. Unbalanced dice
  6. Force add requests
  7. Dog pee
  8. Dog poo
  9. Dog pee and poo
  10. My Oxford postal delivery person who never delivered my packages to the house.
  11. My Richmond paper delivery person who forgot to deliver my paper for a month but who when he does deliver it misses the porch
  12. When the Funko Pop I want from Target is hard to find because I love Target but they really screwed me on that Zur Batman
  13. Donald Trump
  14. Any poet who has more than one work with the phrase “sweet meats” in their work. You all know who you are, sweet meat humpers
  15. Parking around King on campus. Like… seriously? There are only like 50 parking spots within decent walking distance of that building and it’s the rainy season
  16. Locking the door to King Cafe on Fridays
  17. And while we’re at it– locking the BEST Library down so I have to traverse multiple floors to use the men’s room and usually trigger an alarm trying to leave  Laws Hall
  18. Donald Trump
  19. Places that expect you to come to do business face-to-face after you’ve moved, when going back to said place is nearly impossible.
  20. People who ask you to make an offer on Ebay, you make an offer, then counter with a penny less than their buy-it-now price. What was the point of that?
  21. Donald Trump
  22. The fake homeless panhandlers in Richmond that make it harder on the real homeless people to get the help they need.
  23. Coconut
  24. Cats
  25. Cats with helmets made from coconut shells
  26. Anything with sulfa in it
  27. Art that is just slightly smaller or larger than a standard frame size.
  28. Chik-fil-a and Hobby Lobby. You have things I want to buy, but do you have to be all oppressive.
  29. The Target Lot that hasn’t had a Target for 20 years but people still call the Target Lot (which doesn’t have my Batman Pop!)
  30. WWE Shop not allowing me to order the Braun Strowman shirt I want as part of their sale because it’s a “pre-order.” Boo hoo, we can’t sell you our items yet!
  31. Donald Trump
  32. The Star Wars Prequels
  33. The dent in the side of my car that isn’t worth repairing but is super fugly.
  34. My D&D party wanting to kill each other without it being my doing
  35. Milo Yannabanananapolis
  36. Bandwidth throttling.
  37. GroupMe. I just don’t dig it as an app.
  38. Dreamweaver. Why is it still a thing? But I use it, so is it me?
  39. Kickstarters who don’t fulfill their requirements.
  40. The Blind Box Cute But Deadly figures that never yield my beloved Illidan.
  41. The Illidan statue I didn’t buy. It mocks me.
  42. People who add sugar to random food items.
  43. Donald Trump
  44. Fear that my blog will get me in trouble.
  45. Fear of how I’ll feel if I don’t talk about these things.
  46. Bad substitute teachers.
  47. Overwhelming stress.
  48. Students not taking care of our classroom facilities.
  49. Bad mentors.
  50. Editors who are culturally tone-deaf. And there are far too many.
  51. Vaguebooking
  52. Donald Trump
  53. The wide span of what “coding” means to people in academia.
  54. Not having all the Yoshi’s in Yoshi’s Wooly World.
  55. Entitlement
  56. Nintendo
  57. The NES Classic
  58. Donald Trump
  59. DONALD TRUMP
  60. What Marvel keeps doing to classic characters.
  61. What DC keeps doing to classic characters.
  62. Failed role-models.
  63. Donald Trump
  64. The character limit on Twitter
  65. The Twitter on Twitter
  66. People who ask when I’m going to have kids
  67. Those weird jalapeño poppers that have cheddar instead of cream cheese.
  68. The fact that Gatorade isn’t actually healthy
  69. Pharmacists who lose things then blame you and make you call the doctor
  70. Doctors who don’t understand when pharmacists lose things
  71. The fact that people will think those previous two are about a specific incident when they are about a pattern of violence
  72. Microaggressions
  73. People who don’t listen
  74. People who think they can shout everyone down
  75. Donald Trump
  76. People who act like there should be a war between Hillary supporters and Bernie supporters, as if the losing side needs  to fight itself.
  77. White feminists, as a thing. Not people who are white and feminists, but “White Feminists”
  78. Artists who are shitty people and cause people to judge ME if I like their art
  79. NES classic
  80. Roman Reigns
  81. The fact that I bet Roman Reigns has a NES Classic and might have voted for Donald Trump
  82. The fact that I know half of my students by gamertag and hence don’t realize when other faculty mention them
  83. Terms of Services that are super-long
  84. My planar fascia
  85. My achilles on my left leg
  86. People who attribute every injury I ever have my being overweight, causing me to fear admitting when I’m hurt because people will count it as a value-loss due to my weight.
  87. People who work for a company and act like the company losing a small amount of money somehow harms them.
  88. Donald Trump
  89. The Madden team who doesn’t make the game any  better from year-to-year but takes all my money.
  90. Deadly garbage mountain
  91. My former landlord and his odd heel turn when I told him I was moving out
  92. Packaging. Not like cool product packaging ,but overly  large and cumbersome postal packaging.
  93. Instant oatmeal. It’s not instant at all.
  94. People who track melted chocolate into my car on a hot day
  95. The parking changes at Roudebush, which now make it impossible for me to park for a half hour meeting in Laws without hiking for like 10 minutes
  96. The last five years of Jay-Z’s career
  97. The fact that Slacker Radio won’t let me put a perms-band on Sublime and 311 so they stop popping up on 90’s Alternative radio
  98. the drop rate in WWE Champions and the fact that I have probably spent more money than I want to add up on that game for my best character to be Paul Orndorff.
  99. Donald Trump

 

No girl problems.

Tomorrow it’s 100 days and I try to do something special. IDK what yet. It sort of creeped up on me.

 

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