A short but not-at-all sweet post today.
I was thinking today about pain and how it influences mood.
For those who don’t know, I have pretty serious achilles tendon and foot pain. It’s a long story as to why, but ironically, it isn’t based on being fat (though I’m sure my size makes it worse). I rarely talk about it because:
- No one wants to hear a person in pain talk about pain. It’s one of those things that isn’t cool in any situation
- Most people assume any time I’m ill it is because I’m fat, and that’s viewed as a weakness, so I don’t want to bring attention to any health issues I have
- I have a very high threshold of pain, and part of that is not admitting to my own pain most of the time
But one of the things I have come to accept, partly from watching my mother deal with her chronic pain but also from my own, is that sometimes it just flat out makes you angry and/or mean.
It’s difficult to explain to people who have never faced it, but chronic pain is a sort of torment. Some days I feel like there are nails being driven into my heel with every step I take. It doesn’t ruin my life. It doesn’t make me want to give up or anything.
But sometimes I lose my patience when I shouldn’t because of it.
Today was a particularly bad day. The pain is such in my legs that it’s creeping up my lower back. I’m trying to be stoic. But if you see me tomorrow, and I’m a little miffed.. it’s not you. It’s my pain.