I’m working with some students this semester who are working on a scripted pilot for a web (think TV sitcom) series. They’ve been struggling, particularly in terms of establishing characters and making the whole thing compelling. They’re doing good work, but it’s hard. Characters like the ones we love on TV don’t spring from the head fully formed. They build, over time. The first few tentative steps into developing that can be rough.
To attempt to offer them some help–but also to illustrate that writing is a process and sometimes it’s hard– I’m going to re-write a few of their draft scenes here tonight just to give them a sense of what it looks like from someone else’s writer’s POV.
This is one of the opening scenes from the first draft. Bear in mind I’m not in scriptwriting software, so some of the stuff here will be formatted wrong. I’m not worried about that aspect of what I’m doing right now.
Bear in mind I am not saying that my treatment of this is good. I have no idea– I’m writing it as fast as I can, just to give those who read it a sense of another sloppy view. It’s not my best work by a large margin, but that’s not the point. It’s a shitty first draft (word to Anne Lamont).
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INT. ARMSTRONG STUDENT CENTER – camera tracks from the front door over a large mass of students. It’s the typical sort of “classes just ended” early semester day, meaning there are so many people it’s easy to get lost. The camera tracks one student, then another, then a third, before settling in on JENNIFER, sitting on a couch, her laptop open on the table in front of her, as her friends DINAH and CHARLOTTE enter from behind JENNIFER and sit on the couch opposite her. DINAH and CHARLOTTE are speaking as they enter frame.
DINAH:
… on the other hand, if we’re going to rush, do we want to be in all these…
Charlotte:
My mom is like “you’re a legacy!” but eww, Greek life? Right, Jen?
DINAH:
So really what we’re talking about here is a nerdy club or a rec sport? Get sweaty or show up in sweats?
CHARLOTTE:
Rowing, girl. I’m telling you. Row-Ing. Water, exercise…
DINAH:
… and Kevin, right? You’re really going to…
JENNIFER:
Hold on! Kevin, like graduated-from-St. Xavier-last-year Kevin? The walking Mullet?
CHARLOTTE:
He cleans up nice.
JENNIFER
Didn’t you dance in high school? There are like three dance clubs, or you could try-out to cheerlead.
CHARLOTTE:
Yeah, I would like to stay active.
CHARLOTTE LOOKS INTO THE CAMERA
I just don’t want to be some stereotype, right? The high school cheerleader who tries to keep on living her glory days at the college where the football audience is more pep band than student fans.
DINAH looks up at a TV monitor that is just off-frame, the commercial playing has the lack of polish that can only be found in a rushed college TV promo, the sound mixed so poorly that it booms over the conversation, with the voice announcer seriously over-selling Monster Truck Rally style)
DINAH:
Hey, Varsity Overwatch? isn’t that the game you’re always playing, Jen?
JENNIFER slams her computer shut and blushes.
JENNIFER:
No! I… wait. Varsity? Like university supported sports varsity?
DINAH:
That’s what the loud man in the red Miami polo said.
CHARLOTTE:
Well, If he had a polo on, you have to trust him. Miami law!
DINAH stands and gestures over toward the food court.
DINAH:
There’s a tofu stir fry with my name on it. Who’s in?
CHARLOTTE:
It’s been a long day. Char needs to get her pizza on.
JENNIFER:
I’ll be there in a minute…
JENNIFER opens her laptop again as the other two walk away. She begins a furious flurry of typing, while muttering something under her breath about a bad WiFi connection.
JENNIFER:
What was that url? Redhawks.gg?
JENNIFER types a quick string then stares at the screen.
JENNIFER:
Last year’s captain was MulletBoy98? Kevin?
INT. ESPORTS ARENA – DAY
KEVIN stands in front of trophy case, staring at the trophy on the top shelf before glancing over at the empty seats
A text message bubble pops up on the screen, it says:
Dr. Phill(Ravenos): Kev, are you in the arena? I’m on my way over. We… need to talk.
KevKrus (MulletBoy98): I’m here. Tryouts soon, amIrite?
Dr.Phill(Ravenos): Stay put, I’m…
DR. PHILL enters, walking full speed, swinging a shoulder bag around to drop on the desk.
DR. PHILL:
… here. I was just downstairs teaching. Tell me I found you before Chad.
KEVIN stares into his phone, not even reacting to DR. PHILL entering.
Text message bubble appears:
Chad R (HangingChad): Due to the lack of apparent player interest, the Overwatch team is disbanding. Anyone interested in still playing is encouraged to take up our new game, Heroes of the Storm. Let’s rock that Dorm, gang!
KEVIN:
Wait—what the f…
DR. PHILL:
Damnit! I wanted to talk to you before you saw that.
DR. PHILL collapses into a chair.
DR. PHILL:
Sit. Let me explain.
KEVIN:
We’re so good, Dr. Phill! We dominated! What the actual f….
DR.PHILL:
Listen, listen, I know. This was a long, tense discussion. It’s not as final as that message looks.
Text message bubble appears on the screen again:
Dr.Phill(Ravenos): I thought we agreed to wait until I could talk to the team.
Chad R (HangingChad): I made my decision. We have to start recruiting for HotS. There’s no time for you to make up a story about how Overwatch can Hoosiers their way back into being a team. It’s done, Phill.
DR. PHILL:
We have a pretty solid difference of opinions in the director’s offices right now. They’re not happy about…
KEVIN:
Is it because Stu quit to focus on his studies and Eric wants to be an analyst?
DR. PHILL:
And Adam graduated. And it looks like Travis can’t keep his grades up.
KEVIN:
We have subs if those guys can’t play. Hell, me and Seth can carry four people from the club to a championship.
DR. PHILL:
Let’s not get crazy. I mean sure, I mark out hard when you pull an ult and drop four people at once, but remember how bad we were the weekend Adam was at his sister’s wedding?
KEVIN:
Just because Trav tilted. I told you, if Trav gets emotional over making a bad play in the first match, the whole series is doomed.
DR. PHILL:
DO NOT say that to Chad. Like… ever. But yes, I remember you mentioning that. And I remember trying to convince Adam to tether his laptop to his iPhone and play in the third match from the chapel. That was a dark day.
KEVIN:
What can we do? This is my thing, Doc. You know what I mean? I don’t know what I’d do without… all this.
Text message pops up on the screen again.
JeDrake(NewUser14): Are you the Dr. Phill who runs the Esports teams?
DR. PHILL:
I know, Kevin. I know. I’m trying to get everyone to slow down so you can make a case. You deserve that.
KEVIN:
What do you think? Honestly?
Text message pops up.
JeDrake(NewUser14): When are the OW tryouts? I want in.
Dr. Phill(Ravenos): What’s your rating?
JeDrake(NewUser14): 4326.
Dr.Phill(Ravenos): Seriously? Who am I talking to with a score that high on this campus that doesn’t have a gamer tag on the Game Discord?
JeDrake(NewUser14): Jennifer Drake. You can look up my BattleNet: GroovyTuna18931
DR. PHILL fiddles with his phone then mouths “son of a…”
KEVIN:
Are you doing that thing you complain about in class where someone stares at their phone and doesn’t answer the question? I get it now. It’s rude. Lesson learned. Seriously, dude…
DR. PHILL:
Do you know a GroovyTuna in OW?
KEVIN:
By rep. Was on one of the random teams we scrimmed last spring, Dude’s an extra-krispy badass. Why?
DR. PHILL:
“Dude” is a woman, and she just asked in Discord if she could try out. You need to talk to her… yesterday. This might be just what you need to make your case.
KEVIN:
GroovyTuna is a girl? All those things she said about my momma…
DR. PHILL:
Yes, Jennifer appears to be a girl. And while I hate that it’s like this, having a star player who is female is just the sort of thing no one could deny right now. We’d never cut a team with a female player.
KEVIN:
Hold up! I don’t want to use her. That’s lame.
DR. PHILL:
Neither do I. But if she’s good, and you need another player, and she just happens to be female… that’s a story I can sell when the “but two of your players left and one isn’t going to be eligible because he’s failing molecular chem” cards hit the table. Besides, she’s ranked higher than you. Which means I can tell them we just recruited a player that is better than everyone on last year’s team. When I say “she,” that’s the money.
KEVIN sighs heavily.
KEVIN:
Okay, what’s her Discord tag?
DR. PHILL chuckles, as he stands and starts to leave.
DR. PHILL:
NewUser14. Teach her how to change that, and find out if she’s as good as that rank. Time to change minds.
KEVIN:
Wait, where does Glenn stand?
DR. PHILL answers from off-frame.
DR. PHILL:
He’s Switzerland. But I think I can get him to go all-in!