So I have to admit, I’m a little nervous that I’m now just a few days from 365– turning 40 made me finally finish the goal I’ve had for my whole life, to keep a journal/blog that I wrote in every day.
But part of this is that I hadn’t really stopped to consider that 40 is almost over,too. I don’t think turning 40 really impacted me emotionally, but there’s been one thing that has felt strange: I’ve always been thought of by the people around me as the “young” guy.
I’m not anymore. I’m not even close to the young guy. At 40, I am technically middle-aged. And more importantly, there’s an ethos that goes with being that age that sometimes gets lost in the spirit of my teaching and professional persona.
I was thinking today about why that might be. And it’s weird, because it’s been obvious for my entire life, and it’s something I’ve talked about, but I never connected it to work. It’s the “fat best friend” stereotype.
If you don’t know this one, here’s the basic concept. In Hollywood, there’s really only one “positive” role for a fat person: fat best friend. That character is a little goofy, light-hearted, self-deprecating. If it’s a guy– which I am– it’s a typical “beta male,” the sort of non-threatening comic relief figure, the needed support for a protagonist.
And that’s why my role as professional sometimes feels weird. I don’t think of myself as the sidekick, as the buddy, but I think the world does. So when I assert myself as the protagonist of my own story, when I present myself as a professor, sometimes it disconnects with people because of how they see me as a human being.
This isn’t weird, but it was less strange when I was younger. It feels strange how that I’m actually a professor and I have a profound level of expertise. I’m an authority in my field now. And I don’t know that I feel the need to be a star, but I’m not someone’s back-up.
At the same time, I am the very definition of a support class in the gaming sense in my profession. I’m the guy who is always trying to make sure things are working, filling in gaps, covering things.
I don’t mind that. I choose that.
But I need to figure out a way to make sure people don’t think I’m the chubby buddy figure. That ain’t me.